I’m Terrified of my Children

I am married to a beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman. She takes great care of me and the kids, she is funny, and she can cook as well! But she has one serious flaw. A flaw that could result in serious consequences. That flaw is………sometimes, she has to travel out of town and leave me alone with these kids.

Now, I was a cop for a long time. I fought a lot of men and women, I went into dark, scary places without hesitation, and confronted criminals that had committed all kinds of offenses against humanity…….but I am terrified of being alone with my children.

My children are smarter than I am. A LOT smarter than I am! My children are also sneaky. I don’t mean sneak around and watch TV when they are not supposed to sneaky, I am talking hijack a plane sneaky. I’m talking take over a small country sneaky.

These two argue and fight all of the time, but when their mother leaves, they join forces. I think they have a secret meeting where they roll out giant maps and building blueprints and then set about planning what they are going to do to me. I have searched their rooms trying to find a secret trap door that leads to a room where they hold these meetings, but I cannot find it. I know it’s there though!

I picture the walls lined with every Nerf gun known to man just waiting to be put into action. I imagine a bunker-like room with cans of food that just have white labels with the words “Beans” or “Corn” printed on them. I picture gas masks and yellow Haz-Mat suits in there.

My children look all sweet and innocent. They smile and laugh, and hug my neck, but I know that they are plotting. These little Happy Meal eating hemorrhoids aren’t fooling me. I will have my guard up. Meanwhile, my wife is living it up at a “business meeting” somewhere in a luxury hotel eating crumpets and tea and doesn’t have to sleep with one eye open.

I’m pretty sure she does this to me on purpose just to remind me every now and then that she is in charge and her trained little Sesame Street Assassins are there to keep me in line.

Like I said, I’m terrified of my kids! They are small, so they can move with cat-like stealth, and can hide in small places like Tupperware bowls or down in the couch cushions. They work in tandem where one of them, usually that girl child, distracts me while the other smuggles a box of Swiss Roles out of the pantry. They will eat the entire box and then put the empty wrappers in my bathroom trash and tell me that I ate them all in my sleep. This is plain and simple psychological torture!

I caught them watching a Youtube video entitled “12 horrible things you can do to your Dad using only a bean burrito”. I’m in fear for my safety and when I tell my wife this, she says I’m imagining it all. That my sweet little babies would never do anything to harm their father, but then, before she leaves, I will see them all huddled up together laughing and rubbing their hands together. I think I saw their mother hand them each some money and a bag of Hershey Kisses. This can’t be good!

So………If I disappear over the next couple of days I’ll probably be holed up in a closet with a Double-Barreled Nerf Snot-Blaster trying to defend myself.

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