Home Alone……….Again

Well she did it again. The wife has taken off and left town for a week and left me home alone with these two mighty midgets that I call my children. At least she says they are mine……I’m not sure about that little blonde one, he ain’t nothing like me.

So last night these little tick turds come to me and ask what’s for dinner. I said “what do you want?” and they both get this smile across their faces. They said “we want ice cream!“. I told them that they cannot have ice cream for dinner and they know that so why even ask. They said “well it’s made of milk and the nuts in the Rocky Road are full of protein“……..hmmmm, hard to argue that one. “I still don’t think Mommy would like it if I gave you ice cream for dinner, so pick something else“. They looked at each other and then leaned over and whispered something between themselves and said “Okay, we want sherbet then“. I said “you are not getting anything that is unhealthy for dinner!” Then I made them eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.

After dinner I went to put that little blonde one to bed. I was actually looking forward to tucking him in to his nicely made bed, in his spotlessly cleaned room that I had cleaned up the day before. We open the door and I stepped into a scene from Godzilla, after he got pissed off and destroyed Tokyo!

I said ‘What happened in here!?!?” to which he replies proudly “I built a fort!“. The boy had used every thing he could find to build a Sanford & Son palace. He had taken clamps from the garage and clamped his window curtains up and across the room! I saw stuff he used as part of that “fort” that I had been looking for since we moved into the house! Hell, I think he had the patio umbrella from the backyard in there! “Can I sleep in my fort Daddy? “NO YOU CAN’T SLEEP IN YOUR FORT!, Get your skinny little creative ass in that bed boy!

After that I went in and sat down to relax a little before going to bed. I turned on Netflix and started to binge watch Season 3 of “The Walking Dead”. After a few episodes of that, and a few thousand heads lopped off by blood and gut covered super humans, I finally went to bed.

Sometime during the night, my girl-child wakes me up and tells me that she threw-up. I was half asleep, but I knew the answer to my next question was gonna make or break me……”Where did you throw-up sweety?” To my unimaginable relief, she said those three magical and beautiful words “in the toilet“.

After I got her taken care of, I fell back into bed and tried to sleep for awhile, but all I could think about was my daughter being a zombie throwing up ice cream and spewing rainbow sherbet all over the place.

Yep…….that was the first night.


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