Home Alone……Day 2.

You know what’s crazy? How any woman can be married to a man for years and still not know how big a coward he is when it comes to his daughters.


My pre-teen, angry, sweet, little, devil princess is home sick again today ……………………………………………..with me………………..alone…………………………… without my wife. She is on her second day with the Hershey Squirts, so needless to say SHE. IS. NOT. HAPPY. PEOPLE!


So my beautiful, intelligent, amazing bride is texting me asking me all kinds of questions…..how are the kids?……..how are the dogs?……are you going to leave me?……..you know, all the normal questions a bride will ask her husband when she is out of town, and knows he is at home alone with the kids and is afraid for his life.


Then I get it. The text that proves to me that my wife hates me. The text that gave me shivers all the way down my spine. The text that no man in the history of the texting world ever wants to get!

Hey baby will you talk to our daughter and make sure she is sick and that nothing happened at school, or on the bus, and she is just not wanting to go to school”………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….the woman doesn’t love me.

She actually wants me to have a conversation with my 12 year-old daughter about what she has going on at school and if “something” happened?!? Okay, first of all……..if “something” did happen, I damned sure don’t want to know what it was because if it has something to do with a ……………………………. huh-hmm………….boy……………then I’m going to have to go back to prison and I am not ready for that just yet.

What have I done to this woman that she wants to destroy me? Someone please tell me. I try to treat her right. I try to do the special little things that a woman likes. I’ve sent her flowers for no reason. I’ve thrown away crusty underwear so she doesn’t have to handle them in the wash. I try people! And yet, she wants to make me suffer.

Is it because I used her girly razor to manscape that one time? Is it because I blew my nose on my dirty sock the other day? No, it’s probably payback for when I got bored and strapped 2 pairs of her high heels to the puppy last week to see if she could actually walk in them. (She couldn’t for all the guys that have been wondering just like I was)

WHATEVER her reasons were for attempting to get me to venture off into that path of destruction, it didn’t work. I promptly responded to her text with a giphy of Winnie-the-Pooh vehemently shaking his head and saying HELL NO!

It’s bad enough that this moody-ass middle school’er has been blasting the seams of the toilet for 2 days and growling at me every 10 minutes when she makes the trek from her room to her bathroom, but now you actually want me to try to converse with this cranky crapping creature! I don’t think so! I mean, I know that somewhere under all that hair, snot, and slobber is my lil Angel, but until she returns from the grasp of this diarrhea demon my ass is staying clear!!!

2 comments

  1. Oh noooo! How is everyone today? {You crack me up} It could always be WORSE! I will never forget when my son {in 6th grade at the time} got sick and hollered for me…{hubby works night shift and was NOT home} his ENTIRE bathroom was DRIPPING with vomit. I stood there stunned for the first minute, had a massive panic attack and then started crying. hahahahaha! {Mom’s have it just as bad!} Omigosh… It was drippin’ from the shower curtain “at the TOP??!!” It was all over the toilet from top to bottom… The toilet paper/holder was soaked…. The rugs…Every darn inch of that bathroom! It completely reminded me of the scene in Stand By Me when everyone started blowin’ chunks everywhere!

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