76 hours, 14 minutes, and 27 seconds
That’s the amount of time my wife abandoned me with these knee-high ninja’s that we call our children.
Ya know, I was a cop for 22 years. I have gone into dark buildings after suspects, been in countless fights, chased men that had guns, and kicked in doors to face the unknown, but none of that comes close to the fear and uncertainty of me being at home with my offspring for almost a week.
As I have said before, my kids scare the hell out of me. They are smarter than I am and they are diabolical. They have no conscience when it comes to being hard on me. I can’t sneak up on them because they set traps with Legos and Hot Wheels so they can hear me coming. The girl child goes into her room and disappears for hours at a time. WHAT IS SHE DOING IN THERE? I see lights flashing under the door and hear grinders and sanders going like you see in those mad scientist movies. I think she is building her own Frankenstein Power Puff Girl to take me out.
The boy child is on his Ipad all the time and shuts it off when I walk in the room. I’m not sure if he’s watching porn or researching how to make pipe bombs! I don’t like the quiet……it scares me.
But, after no sleep for several days, no hot food, and wearing the same underwear for a week, all is right again and I can relax a little. Mommy is home to watch my back and run interference between me and those two grasshopper-sized gangsters.