Back on March 27th I informed you all of a great new place I found to eat lunch at……..Costco.
Well I paid a visit to Costco yesterday morning, even though it was only Wednesday, and guess what? Miss Gertrude was working! The joy I felt when I came around the corner of the electronic foot-message display and saw her standing there with her blue hair, and her dimples, was just amazing. As a huge smile came across my face I couldn’t contain myself. I yelled out “MISS GERTRUDE!!!!“
She looked over and smiled and waved at me. I walked over hoping she was making those cheese stuffed ravioli’s again, but she had moved on into another product line…….dehydrated pineapple slices.
I think my love affair with Miss. Gertrude is over.
She hugged my neck and told me to try a sample, which I did and quickly regretted it. These things tasted like I was eating the ass-end of a fruit fly that had once landed on a pineapple. Naaaasssssssssty!
I didn’t want to tell her that they tasted like death, so I managed to swallow it, just as she was handing me another one! I tried and tried to say no but she kept insisting. I kept acting like I was chewing the first one while I tried to figure out a way to get rid of the second piece of butt-nugget she was trying to make me eat.
About that time, I saw a woman was walking toward me with a basket full of stuff. I glanced around and saw that Miss Gertrude was talking to another customer and just as the woman approached me, she stopped to look at a pair of gold-toe socks and I pulled off a smooth, behind-the-back-flip of the offensive fruit jerky toward her basket.
Except I missed the basket.
The dang thing went straight into her purse!
And what is worse is it was sitting right on top of her phone that was lying on the top, just inside her purse!
Now people, I’m the only other person around that was standing there on her side of the isle, and as soon as she see’s the turd-looking thing she is going to know it had to be me!
So I quickly turned to sneak away and Miss Gertrude grabbed me by the arm and asked me how the dehydrated treat tasted just as loud as she can! I can now feel this woman staring at the back of my head. So I told Miss Gertrude that they were absolutely fantastic, but that I had to go. Well instead of letting me go, she starts talking about the damn product!!
I glanced around slowly to see if this woman had discovered the deposit I had made in her purse, and saw that she was just about to throw a package of socks in the basket. But before she could do that a man’s voice from down at the other end of the isle called out to her.
I looked down the isle and there stood a guy that looked like he could bench-press my truck!
This guy looked like he would bitch-slap Godzilla! I had to get the hell out of there.
I interrupted Miss Gertrude and told her that my wife was waving at me to go and that I would catch her next time. She was still talking as I walked away as fast as I could, trying not to look like I was walking away as fast as I could.
So, that’s how I was almost killed by a slice of dehydrated pineapple at Costco. I can picture my headstone:
Here lies Ed Black
He liked to take chances
He liked to roll the dice
But he was killed on isle 2 at Costco
By a dehydrated pineapple slice!