I would like to publicly issue a heartfelt apology to my dear Mother.
My Mom, a woman that raised 3 boys.
Three no-aiming, pee-all-over-the-bathroom, nasty, gross-ass boys.
I am now the father of a beautiful, incredibly smart little boy who cannot aim his tally-whacker worth a DAMN! The boy pees every where BUT in the toilet! All over the seat, the tank, the floor, hell I think he gets it on the shower curtain!
I am serious! I think he stands at the door and tries to arc it all the way over to the toilet, 8 feet away! The boy must just unzip and turn it loose…….. LOOK MOM, NO HANDS!
I think there is some on the window above the bathtub and it’s 6 feet high! The kid must have the pressure of a fire hose. I am not making this up, the boy must have the prostate of Superman.
Look, I get it, sometimes it just gets away from you. It happens to all of us guys at one time or another. But this child must be peeing while doing the Macarena!
I have tried to teach the boy good bathroom etiquette; you know: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat, but the kid has a different motto. His theory is: When you pee, let it free, spray it all then go play ball!
And it’s not just when he is standing up to pee either. I know all the guys out there can relate to the “failure to tuck” rule. You know, when you sit down to drop the boys off at the pool, but you forgot to tuck Mr. Johnson so that he points downward and you don’t whiz all over the floor when it sprays between the toilet seat and the bowl? Yeah, my son specializes in getting his stream through that little space!
I hate to go in his bathroom for fear that I’m going to slip in a puddle and break my neck! If I’m lying, I’m dying, the boy pees while doing jumping-jacks or something. I keep thinking I’m going to go in and catch him standing on his hands, up on the vanity trying to see if he can hit the toilet upside down! I just hope he is not recording it and putting it on a secret Youtube channel.
I apologized to my Momma at the beginning of this post, but I think that men everywhere owe their Moms the same apology, so I will do it for them.
Dear Moms of Boys…….. I am sorry.
I am sorry that you had to spend precious hours of your life wiping up tee-tee off of the toilet seat…….and the floor…….and the walls…….and the pictures on the walls……and out of the towel cabinets……and off of the door handles. You are all Saints!
Dads, I’m not apologizing to you because you know as well as I do that when you spot that mess, you immediately turn around and leave and try to make sure nobody saw you in there so you can say you never saw it. Believe me, I’ve tried it to. But when your wife has to work late for 2 weeks and you are the only one there ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Hell, I even tried to get the dogs to clean it up, but they just sniffed it and turned around and left. I think they were laughing at me as they walked away.